My Journey Through Chemotherapy.

Since it's been well over a month since I last updated my blog, there has definitely been some major changes, the most significant of course being I received the news that I had been waiting to hear since the day I was diagnosed. On the 20th of June I was very happily informed by my Doctors that my scan results were exactly what we wanted to hear..all clear from cancer, meaning that I am officially in remission! It is still so surreal and I feel beyond blessed to have receive the news I did, so much so that I sometimes am still in disbelief that it was myself who went through that journey. I was so accustomed to worrying about if there was another set of bad news around the corner, that now I'm faced with the challenge of breaking the cycle of worrying which goes on inside my head and each day I'm growing stronger in every way that Cancer had weakened me! Since finishing my cycle of treatment and getting the all clear, my hair has even started to grow back very slowly but surely and most importantly I played up the Cancer card while I still could and convinced my parents to allow me have another dog. We got the cutest little pup (not so little anymore) which we decided to call Luna, so I'm one step closer to having my dream of a house full of dogs haha!

For this post I have decided to write about what is probably one of the most significant components which accompanies Cancer, Chemotherapy. Both before and after being diagnosed, I had absolutely no idea about Chemotherapy. Of course I knew the basics, what I had learned in Leaving Cert Biology, which may I add my memory didn't serve me too well on this topic, but I had no idea how it was administered and the effects which can wreak havoc on your body (other than hair loss). I was essentially clueless and genuinely thought I'd by lying in some sort of contraption (in my mind it resembled an MRI machine) which I'm very much embarrassed to admit now lol.

As I mentioned in my first post I received a type of Chemotherapy named ABVD  (the letters standing for the drugs I was given which I'm not going to even attempt to spell) and I received this once every two weeks. Clearly going in totally oblivious to my first treatment, I had no idea what to expect despite my consultant previously attempting to inform me. I soon discovered I would receive two of the drugs through a bag which was pumped into my body through a cannula, basically a thin tube inserted into my vein. Each bag would take a different length of time until it was empty, one was an hour where the other was but half that time! The other two drugs would be administered by a  nurse syringing the fluid into the cannula. So, firstly, what I very much was unaware of was the time consuming process Chemotherapy is. My treatment on average was roughly 3-4 hours each time. After each drug was given my line was flushed to clear my veins and make sure it was spread around my body! This process was even further prolonged by the time spent in the waiting room and making sure you were cleared to get your treatment. If there were any suspicions I had some kind of infection a doctor would have to clear me to receive it and thankfully I was extremely blessed to have gotten it on my intended day each time and only had one expected over night stay in hospital.





For me the side effects of Chemotherapy were something I didn't comprehend until they kicked in. My mam in an attempt to prepare me told me that "This is gonna be tough on your body Claire, you're gonna be tired and sick". The funny thing about this is I almost didn't expect it to be half as bad as she was making out. The Cancer hadn't made me sick, maybe a little tired, but I didn't think the treatment would be worse than the disease itself. The first time received my treatment I had actually informed my nurse that I was planning on going to a surprise meal we had planned for my best friend Laur. I remember the car journey on the way home when the feeling in my belly hit for the first time and I knew there was no way I could sit around a table where there was food. My nurse had told me that the side effects may not kick in for a few days or straight away, each patient was different. For me they most definitely began very shortly after Chemotherapy. As I progressed further into my treatment I developed Anticipatory Nausea, which essentially meant that I began to feel sick and get sick before I had even received my treatment and for me this was definitely the worst part. Tiredness I could try and sleep off, an upset stomach I could take Anti-sickness, the aches and pains in my body hot water bottles and showers helped to ease and ice pops definitely aided in soothing my sore gums, but nothing they had given could solve the nausea I felt the instant I woke on the morning of my Chemotherapy. At first I was down for a week and as time progressed I definitely began to recover much quicker before my next treatment!

The purpose of this post was in no way an attempt to gather sympathy for myself because there are people who have received the gruelling treatment for far longer and far more intensely than I have, people who are still sitting in a chemotherapy chair right now and people who have not received the amazing news I was lucky enough to be given. I have learned that for me the secret to staying resilient through this treatment and subsequently the disease itself, is having the knowledge that the pain I was feeling and the hard times I had to go through were completely temporary and would always pass. Yes I had felt sick and tired and sore, but the side effects had always faded. When I felt down and or anxious about the unknown something would always spring me back into reality. I began to train my brain to believe that this whole ordeal would pass and I would be fine no matter what news was around the corner, Surely enough, it passed. The past 8 months have undeniably been the most challenging to date, but I had some of my happiest and most fulfilling moments in that period. Those months were not all filled with tears and sadness. I have now learned the beauty of understanding that everything is temporary. The hardships I endured then were so worth it for the life and mind-set I get to experience now. This is the advice I would offer to anyone who would ever find themselves in the position that I did or any person who has or will face bumps in the road. It is totally and completely temporary and will guide you to the place you need to be, whether that be clear or not to you right now, there is significance in everything.  Any situation is only ever as bad as you choose to see it.

Claire xo

Hair loss.

Before I start I'd just like to thank anyone who took the time to read my last post and be lovely enough to leave a lovely comment or send me a message. I was absolutely terrified to post it but the response has been so warm and positive that I'm over the moon I've actually done it! The fact that people have informed me how much it has either inspired them , helped them or that they've even just enjoyed reading it has been so eye opening in regards to how much a positive mindset and attitude can radiate.

For this post I've decided that I'm going to talk about my experience with losing my hair, as for many it could possibly be one of the most intimidating and difficult side effects that Chemotherapy has to offer. It is probably one of the most distinctive features that would point out to someone that you are sick. The loss of my hair really wasn't half as traumatic for me as the complete loss of my eyelashes and thinning of my eyebrows were. When they started very gradually to go, I felt for the first time I actually looked as if I had Cancer.

When I was initially diagnosed and was told that my disease would require me to undergo Chemotherapy, my mind was so occupied with trying to comprehend the idea that I had an extremely challenging fight ahead of me that losing my hair did not once cross my mind.I had almost forgotten that it would be one of the most prominent changes to my physical appearance I would experience. It was not until late November when I met with my Consultant that I was first faced with the thought that I actually may be bald in a few weeks! He began to detail exactly what kind of disease I had, what kind of chemotherapy I would be under going, how I may feel during it in relation to fatigue, nausea, vomiting (so lighthearted I know) and finally losing my hair. When he initially mentioned it I had asked what are the chances that I somehow may not loose my hair to which he responded very unlikely and I'd be lucky to have 10% of the mid-length red hair I had at that point (which I loved so much).

They had advised me to cut my hair to a shorter length so when it did begin to fall out it wouldn't be quite so much of a shock and that's what I did! My best friend's sister was kind enough to cut it for me and I had it cut just above my shoulder. I was shocked with how much I loved it considering I had never ever had my hair that short and just when I felt like I had begun to embrace and enjoy my new hair length, the hair loss began. Following my first Chemo I had experienced no loss of my hair and a small part of me had hoped that maybe I would be a medical miracle and it would continue this way. Of course this was not the case.






















I had received my second ever Chemo on Friday the 15th of December and by the next day, Saturday the 16th, I had woken up to hair on my pillow. The hair loss, at least for me, was extremely rapid (I still find pieces of hair in clothes I had worn when my hair was failing out lol). I'd brush my hair over the toilet and when I looked at the brush I was shocked that I'd even have any left on my head. Although of course I realised my hair was falling out I genuinely didn't think anyone else would really notice. It wasn't until I had a conversation with my Mam and Aunt where they had encouraged me to just bite the bullet shave it that I began to think they must notice a difference. The next morning I had woken up, looked in the mirror and decided today was the day I would do it. I had honestly not noticed how much my hair line had begun to recede until I looked at myself that day and now I look back and cringe I hadn't done it before then!!

The actual act of shaving my hair, when I had initially thought about it gave me the biggest pit in my stomach. I felt as if my hair was my comfort and I had all sorts of visions of how hideous I would look without it. The experience of it all was made soooo much easier for me by the fact my Dad, Boyfriend and Uncle decided to do it with me and my aunts and mam were there for encouragement! They had sat in the chair and shaved it before me so when it came around for me
to finally bite the bullet and do it, it wasn't half as daunting.

  From that day and ever since I have never been afraid or insecure to go out without a wig, which if you had of told me in the weeks previous I'd be comfortable being bald I would have never believed you! And 90% of the time I most definitely don't wear one.

As shocking as it may sound I'm glad it happened to me. Both the Cancer and the hair loss. Each has taught me so many valuable lessons and has enlightened me to things I had never given a second thought to before. I suppose its easy for me to sit here and write about the importance of staying positive and confident that everything will always work out, but it is a much more difficult task to put it into action. It goes without saying that I have my days of doubt where I fail to see any good in the situation I have found myself in. But I somehow always manage to find light at the end of the tunnel. On days where I ask in anger "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" I turn it around into "This happened for a reason" and "I was given this because I'm strong enough to handle it". Although I may not know the reasoning right now, I definitely know that each day I become stronger and more fit for whatever the purpose may be. My boyfriend used to say over and over when I brought up losing my hair "Your hair is such a minor part to you, it will make no difference to you as a person when you loose it, you are so much more then your hair". At the time these words,while extremely comforting,went in one ear and out the other. However, now they resonate and make more sense to me than ever. I no longer find myself half as hung up on what I look like. The thought of having no eyelashes and eyebrows which used to genuinely terrify me, is now my reality and I could not care less. What concerns me is what kind of person I am. I strive to be kind natured, intelligent, charitable, humble, things that I know will make me a better person. I want to spend more time ensuring that I'm absolutely content with the person I am inside as opposed to what I see in the mirror because at the end of the day, it is so insignificant if you're not happy with who you are. If we were all bald and looked the same, what would you judge yourself on then?

I feel as if is often easier to stay in a negative cycle of thinking as opposed to challenging yourself into considering how lucky you may be. I know personally I am lucky beyond belief for an uncountable amount of reasons and I can guarantee ,regardless of your situation, you are too. The bottom line is if getting this disease and losing my hair will make me into the person I'm supposed to be and lead me to the path I'm supposed to take, it is a very small price to pay.

Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read this and I hope you can take something beneficial from it and apply it to yourself or even just enjoy the read!

  Claire xo

My Diagnosis.

This is most definitely one of the most daunting things I have ever done as I absolutely hate people reading anything I have written, I genuinely have a fear of reading out anything to a group of people and writing this kind of seems the equivalent of that, but I suppose eliminates my shaking voice!  But with a lot of encouragement from friends and family I've decided to bite the bullet and just do it.

So considering this is my first post I thought it would only be fitting to write about how it was discovered I had this disease and my diagnosis. I've chosen to write about this in no way to scare anyone at all, but in the hopes that if anyone has a fear of going to the doctor because they are afraid of what they may be told, which was most definitely me, it encourages you to get anything you know is not right checked. Most of the time this fear will most likely amount to something completely minor, but instances where it may be a little more serious, time is so important.

From the summer of 2017 to the winter of that year, I had felt as if I had constantly been getting a series of colds and sore throats, which after one clearing it wasn't long before the next came around. Now this wasn't out of the ordinary for me I have always had streaming eyes and a sniffy nose, even the fatigue at the time wasn't really jumping out at me. I had mentioned to my mam a few times that no matter how many hours sleep I had gotten I was still tired. It was not the kind of tiredness that would cripple me so I thought I may just need a tonic so I carried on with work, college and everyday life as normal. It wasn't until September that I had actually decided to go the doctor after I had felt a lump on my neck which I was informed was the result of swollen glands from a viral infection and would take a few weeks to go down. Due to the fact it was viral there was no medication I needed and I was told I was over the worst of it. Fast forward to November, this lump had developed into a quite prominent bulging on the right side of my neck. Something in me was uneasy with the size the lump had grown and despite the Doctor's reassurance two months previous that is was a swollen gland, I returned to my GP. I had an appointment with a different Doctor in the surgery this time (Who is absolutely amazing) where after examination had told me the same thing as before. Due to the swelling being quite far down on my neck, during her examination she had failed to feel it. I had put off going the Doctor for two months because of the fear of what this lump may signal, but at that moment my fear of what may be was outweighed by my need for reassurance and I had asked her to feel this lump.

I had attended the Doctor on November 14th and following what I presume were urgent blood tests and a chest X-Ray by November 17th, three days later, I was sitting in A&E being told by the Haematology team what they suspected it was, Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Alongside the swelling on my neck, the X-Ray had shown another tumour in my chest. It was by far the most frightening and helpless situation I had ever been in. I had never seen my eyes so puffy and red, I don't even remember crying but from the photo of that night with those eyes there is no way I hadn't! It is probably the worst picture I have ever seen of myself but I'm honestly so glad my mam took it because when I look at it I am sooo proud of how much I've grown as a person since that day.

From that Friday until the following Tuesday I stayed in the hospital where I had blood tests most days, a CT Scan and on Tuesday the dreaded Biopsy which was not so bad whatsoever. I couldn't feel a thing! The scar I was left with is so so small and whatever they needed to put 

on my neck to highlight the area even provided for some laughs as it resembled the dodgiest fake tan fail ever!!

When the results of the biopsy came back about a week later it had only confirmed what they had initially thought, it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Not long after, I started Chemotherapy on December 1st and I'm hoping to finish it very soon! My latest scan has shown that I am responding extremely well to the ABVD treatment I am receiving and I'm extremely optimistic that hopefully soon I will be cancer free.

Despite the last six months being extremely challenging in so many ways and although some days I look in the mirror and don't even recognise myself anymore I am so beyond blessed. Whenever I get my down days, which of course I do, I make it a point to tell myself how lucky I am, how much worse my situation could have been and how there are people out there so much less fortunate than I am. I wanted to share this post not to seem gloomy or come across as if I pity myself, because that is the exact opposite of what I want to achieve, but rather if any other person is ever diagnosed with this disease or any other disease, to show there is such light past your diagnosis. Yes, when you get told you have or anyone else around you has Cancer, you're going to think the worst. I did and I'm sure my family did. But apart from all the downsides which is certainly has, I believe it can be such a life altering experience in so many positive ways. Without sounding so cringe I know this has shaped me into the person I am supposed to be and I want to be able to offer any comfort, help and advice to anyone that may find themselves in the same situation I did. 

I hope with this blog to turn something that has been essentially my greatest fear realised into something I can look back and be proud of. Thank you so so so much to anybody that takes the time to read this, I know its quite lengthy, hopefully it may give you the encouragement no matter what your situation, to just do whatever makes you happy because there is seriously no predicting what the future holds for anybody.

Claire xo