Before I start I'd just like to thank anyone who took the time to read my last post and be lovely enough to leave a lovely comment or send me a message. I was absolutely terrified to post it but the response has been so warm and positive that I'm over the moon I've actually done it! The fact that people have informed me how much it has either inspired them , helped them or that they've even just enjoyed reading it has been so eye opening in regards to how much a positive mindset and attitude can radiate.
For this post I've decided that I'm going to talk about my experience with losing my hair, as for many it could possibly be one of the most intimidating and difficult side effects that Chemotherapy has to offer. It is probably one of the most distinctive features that would point out to someone that you are sick. The loss of my hair really wasn't half as traumatic for me as the complete loss of my eyelashes and thinning of my eyebrows were. When they started very gradually to go, I felt for the first time I actually looked as if I had Cancer.
When I was initially diagnosed and was told that my disease would require me to undergo Chemotherapy, my mind was so occupied with trying to comprehend the idea that I had an extremely challenging fight ahead of me that losing my hair did not once cross my mind.I had almost forgotten that it would be one of the most prominent changes to my physical appearance I would experience. It was not until late November when I met with my Consultant that I was first faced with the thought that I actually may be bald in a few weeks! He began to detail exactly what kind of disease I had, what kind of chemotherapy I would be under going, how I may feel during it in relation to fatigue, nausea, vomiting (so lighthearted I know) and finally losing my hair. When he initially mentioned it I had asked what are the chances that I somehow may not loose my hair to which he responded very unlikely and I'd be lucky to have 10% of the mid-length red hair I had at that point (which I loved so much).
They had advised me to cut my hair to a shorter length so when it did begin to fall out it wouldn't be quite so much of a shock and that's what I did! My best friend's sister was kind enough to cut it for me and I had it cut just above my shoulder. I was shocked with how much I loved it considering I had never ever had my hair that short and just when I felt like I had begun to embrace and enjoy my new hair length, the hair loss began. Following my first Chemo I had experienced no loss of my hair and a small part of me had hoped that maybe I would be a medical miracle and it would continue this way. Of course this was not the case.
I had received my second ever Chemo on Friday the 15th of December and by the next day, Saturday the 16th, I had woken up to hair on my pillow. The hair loss, at least for me, was extremely rapid (I still find pieces of hair in clothes I had worn when my hair was failing out lol). I'd brush my hair over the toilet and when I looked at the brush I was shocked that I'd even have any left on my head. Although of course I realised my hair was falling out I genuinely didn't think anyone else would really notice. It wasn't until I had a conversation with my Mam and Aunt where they had encouraged me to just bite the bullet shave it that I began to think they must notice a difference. The next morning I had woken up, looked in the mirror and decided today was the day I would do it. I had honestly not noticed how much my hair line had begun to recede until I looked at myself that day and now I look back and cringe I hadn't done it before then!!
The actual act of shaving my hair, when I had initially thought about it gave me the biggest pit in my stomach. I felt as if my hair was my comfort and I had all sorts of visions of how hideous I would look without it. The experience of it all was made soooo much easier for me by the fact my Dad, Boyfriend and Uncle decided to do it with me and my aunts and mam were there for encouragement! They had sat in the chair and shaved it before me so when it came around for me
to finally bite the bullet and do it, it wasn't half as daunting.
From that day and ever since I have never been afraid or insecure to go out without a wig, which if you had of told me in the weeks previous I'd be comfortable being bald I would have never believed you! And 90% of the time I most definitely don't wear one.
As shocking as it may sound I'm glad it happened to me. Both the Cancer and the hair loss. Each has taught me so many valuable lessons and has enlightened me to things I had never given a second thought to before. I suppose its easy for me to sit here and write about the importance of staying positive and confident that everything will always work out, but it is a much more difficult task to put it into action. It goes without saying that I have my days of doubt where I fail to see any good in the situation I have found myself in. But I somehow always manage to find light at the end of the tunnel. On days where I ask in anger "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?" I turn it around into "This happened for a reason" and "I was given this because I'm strong enough to handle it". Although I may not know the reasoning right now, I definitely know that each day I become stronger and more fit for whatever the purpose may be. My boyfriend used to say over and over when I brought up losing my hair "Your hair is such a minor part to you, it will make no difference to you as a person when you loose it, you are so much more then your hair". At the time these words,while extremely comforting,went in one ear and out the other. However, now they resonate and make more sense to me than ever. I no longer find myself half as hung up on what I look like. The thought of having no eyelashes and eyebrows which used to genuinely terrify me, is now my reality and I could not care less. What concerns me is what kind of person I am. I strive to be kind natured, intelligent, charitable, humble, things that I know will make me a better person. I want to spend more time ensuring that I'm absolutely content with the person I am inside as opposed to what I see in the mirror because at the end of the day, it is so insignificant if you're not happy with who you are. If we were all bald and looked the same, what would you judge yourself on then?
I feel as if is often easier to stay in a negative cycle of thinking as opposed to challenging yourself into considering how lucky you may be. I know personally I am lucky beyond belief for an uncountable amount of reasons and I can guarantee ,regardless of your situation, you are too. The bottom line is if getting this disease and losing my hair will make me into the person I'm supposed to be and lead me to the path I'm supposed to take, it is a very small price to pay.
Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read this and I hope you can take something beneficial from it and apply it to yourself or even just enjoy the read!
Claire xo
